As a young menace to society, I loved going to SeaWorld to (possibly) see Shamu eat nonsensical white people during his world-famous show. In a way, it’s sad, but typical of a person who would also sit through the BET Awards knowing how incredibly-ratchet they’d be. Yes, I have a serious problem. I, like the millions who watched the never-ending spectacle last nite, enjoy watching magnificent disasters where everything that can go wrong, indeed, does.
At this point, complaining about BET’s terribly-produced, directed & edited talent showcase (with awards) is like complaining about Popeye’s using a jolly jiggaboo to sell fried chicken wings. Pointless. So, stop, and pay homage to the year’s most entertaining event that started with Mary J. Blige tarnishing her legacy, yet again, in Adina Howard’s one-size-fits-most catsuit.
I love MJB, but she failed to remind me why she’s the Queen of anything music-related. Her time ended 5 years, 3 months & 243564264773 missed notes ago. It’s a wrap. She ain’t got IT no’mo. None of her own classics are safe around her. Tragic, I know, like Michael Jordan shooting air balls in a Wizards uniform but the bitterly unsweetened iced tea-flavored truth.
Alicia Keys makes elegant scarlet letter music for mistresses who poke holes in their married lover’s condoms. I love when she slow-twurks on top of grand pianos with no shoes on. Sexy. Last nite’s parlor performance of ‘Maybach Music in E Minor’ was quite riveting. The piano arrangement was brilliant. I shed thug tears with my fist raised. She’s easily one of the most overrated greatest artists of our time.
Chris Brown knows he can do death-defying stunts, gymnastics & flips (in bedazzled combat boots, sequined cowboy scarfs or ‘futuristic’ knee-pad apparatuses, while singing) and everyone will forgive his insanity. Either that, or a stunning Michael Jackson tribute and he’ll live in our hearts & minds daily. It’s hard to hate him for too long. No singer that perfectly executes Dominique Dawesian-side-flips off stages during Award shows deserves to be held accountable for destructive behavior. With Chris, it is what it is.
(Note: I turned the sub-titles on during Busta’s ‘Look At Me Now’ verse and my TV cut off. My local cable provider called this morning to see if everything was OK. *Wiz Khalifah shrug*)
For reasons unknown to everyone but the Awards show committee, Kelly Rowland shared the stage with Trey Songz (who sounded like a talented billy goat crooning into a fan). Kelly looked amazing in Darkwing Duck couture. Trey stripped & made ‘sex faces’ to distract the ladies from his disrespectful vibrato. Aye man, Trey gotta go. YUP!
Nicki Minaj pretending to be shocked that she won the ‘Best Female Hip-Hop Artist Award’ over the worst collection of nominees in modern Award show history (Diamond, Master P’s daughter Cymphonique & Lola Monroe) was funnier than all of host Kevin Hart’s jokes combined.
Ricky Rozay doesn’t care who he offends with his tat-scribbled d-cups. He wants you, me, his mama, everyone, to see them. Like Lil Twist, Ricky can’t keep his (Indonesian silk) shirt on. Someone on his team encouraged him to promote his filth-crusted tittymeats on national TV. BET should’ve blurred them. I’m starting a ‘Bra or Boycott’ petition. Please sign it.
(Note: If Ricky was a true BAWSE, he’d spray the audience with his titty milk during performances).
DJ Khaled always looks like he’s smuggling little Debbie cakes and deluxe honey buns and random cream-filled gas station snacks and sh*t in his luxury sweatsuit pockets. Where he’s smuggling them to & why is Rap’s greatest unsolved mystery.
Jill Scott had the best performance of the nite. She makes me want to pay my bills on time. I love her titties spirit. She’s the ultimate woman, who probably smells like fresh Cheddar Bay biscuits, warm pound cake & dreams achieved.
Tiffany Green thought she was going to sashay on stage during the BET Awards and be Twitter famous without the network ruining her life (for the next 3 days). It was her moment 4 life and she announced the wrong winner at the worst possible time. First she said Chris Brown, then Rihanna, then Drake, while production assistants scrambled to make the ultimate awkward moment less…awkward. It was surreal.
But, then again, that’s what happens when you trust a network that deceptively teases a Beyonce performance for 3-hours without ever saying it was pre-recorded. It’s true: BET doesn’t care about Black people.
(Note: After 3-5 days, Black people don’t remember what happened during the BET Awards & start the countdown to the next Tyler Perry movie. Tiffany will be aight.)
Auntie Patti won.
